not that girl

Good News All Around

2008-06-01T20:59:00.001-07:00

I no longer have a boyfriend. I now have a fiance.

After eating lunch at Taco Cabana on Saturday, we went to the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens. The boyfriend handed me his camera and had me take lots of pictures. I could tell he was a little nervous, but I tried not to focus on his nerves. While I had a hunch he was going to propose, I didn't want to believe that too much so as to not be disappointed.

We stopped on a bridge. He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as well. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer and got done on one knee. He opened the ring box and asked if I would marry him. I said yes, of course.

We kissed and hugged, a lot, and then we walked through the gardens some more before heading to meet Robbie.

Later that evening, we went to the water gardens in Fort Worth, which was where the boyfriend (now fiance) initially had planned on proposing. Sitting next to the quiet pool, which is my favorite part of the water gardens, were two of his friends who are in a band, Poor Rich Folk, I absolutely love. They put on a private concert for us with my favorite songs as the set list, and then the fiance and I headed to dinner in downtown Fort Worth.

My Heart Is Damaged Damaged Damaged (how you gonna fix it?)

2008-05-25T15:14:00.003-07:00

I grew up with family spread all over the country. I went several Christmas' and Thanksgiving's without seeing any family members outside of my parents, brother, and dad's mom who lived an hour away. I kind of thought it was normal to live so far away from family. I expected to always live far away from family, to distance myself in that way.

The boyfriend grew up with all of his family in Oklahoma. I try to act like the opposite, but in a lot of ways, I am quite jealous of this. I always wanted family nearby. I just don't like to act like I want that. Instead, I try to act as independently as possible.

This independence thing? It's good in a lot of ways. I know I'll always make it. I know I'll never give up. I know I can survive anything that is thrown my direction. At the same time, though, it's bad in a lot of ways, a lot of ways I never realized until the boyfriend began pointing them out to me.

Like a lot of people, I don't like to be wrong, ever. In fact, growing up, I enjoyed always being right so much that I wore tee-shirts proclaiming my intelligence and I decorated my closet door with bumper stickers that said things like I'm not opinionated; I'm just always right. I was a joy to live with as a teenager, I promise.

At 23, I still don't like to be wrong. I also don't like to depend on people. What I am starting to figure out, ever so slowly and truly only by force, is that everyone is going to be wrong at some point. Since I spent so many years being "right", it's time for me to be wrong, whether I like it or not.

And honestly, I think my life will be a lot better once I start admitting faults and begin leaning on people. Life spent in solitude it's not so fun at all. In fact, it sucks. And, yes, I am hesitant to let people in, but when you meet nice people as well as people you know you will always have in your life, it's important to let them in and not just push them away.

This all hit me last night and today spending time with the boyfriend and with his family. They're not blood relatives, true, but they're great people I can't wait to claim as my family. That's the great thing about relationships, I think. They allow you to expand the circle of people you confide in, love, and trust.

New Theme Songs? "Damaged," Danity Kane & "Break the Ice," Britney Spears; iwillnotbeashamed

2008-05-22T12:31:00.002-07:00

The new apartment is beginning to come together. All I need to purchase, now, are: two end tables, a microwave stand, a bistro set, and curtains. Amazing how that all happened so quickly.

And I begin my new job tomorrow, which means I am taking myself to the mall this afternoon to purchase a new pair of blue jeans. We're allowed to wear jeans on Fridays, as long as they have no holes, and right now, all my jeans have holes. So it's time to purchase a new pair along with a patch so I can repair my favorite pair of jeans that I have worn out in nine months. You honestly do not want to know how often I wear these suckers. Might also treat myself to a new pair of dress pants if I find some on sale.

Will have Internet in my apartment on Saturday night. Expect pictures, updates, and stories then!

Beginning Documentation of 1st Adult Move - 2008

2008-05-20T09:47:00.002-07:00

This is the moving truck I picked up this morning at a UHaul. The plan was to tow a trailer behind my Ford Escape. However, I do not have a hitch on the back of my Escape, so I rented a moving truck. Oklahoma City, Edmond, Moore, and Norman - I apologize in advance for my slow driving on I35, I40, and possibly I44.

Proof That I Am Overly Obsessed With "The Hills"

2008-05-19T22:09:00.006-07:00

I returned from Cangzhou, China in August after a month of teaching English. Upon my return, I was determined to simplify my life and to strengthen the relationships I had with my team members. After spending nearly two weeks in Michigan where I relaxed, read, took far too many pictures, enjoyed the beach, ate turkey sandwiches from Subway and almost nothing else, and ate lots of fudge, I moved back into my apartment with the same goals.

One of the first things I did was go through all the rooms of the apartment and put the things I no longer needed or wanted into plastic garbage bags. For a few weeks, these bags sat in the living room, and then they moved onto the balcony. I had every intention of taking these bags to Goodwill; I just never got around to it. Living on the third floor makes it so I don't really want to lug heavy bags down the stairs and into my car.

For reasons I'm still not quite sure of, I let go of the goal of simplifying my life, and instead, I embarked on an adventurous two months of the life Audrina, Lauren, and Lo live out every week on "The Hills."

During these two months, I truly felt as though I were living the life of a reality star. There was drama. There were boys. There was love, not in those two months, but the love of my life did enter the picture at the tail end of those adventurous two months.

I acquired the nickname LA during the time from a dear friend of mine who is lucky enough to live in New York City and who was loving enough to listen and read as I depicted the craziness of my life during this time. If only a television crew had been there. I might have been the next Lauren Conrad. She did, after all, inspire my nickname.

I don't miss those two months explicitly. I miss some of the people, and sometimes, I miss the thrill of living a crazy life. But then I remember what I have, and I know I'm where I am meant to be. Still, looking around my apartment and seeing everything in boxes, trunks, suitcases, and duffle bags, I feel as though this is almost a reality tv show moment. Only, it's a happier moment than when Heidi moved out of her apartment with Lauren and in with Spencer.

And the song that will be playing as I say goodbye to my best friend and roommate of three years? "Sweet and Low" by Augustana. Bittersweet with a sense of hope, just like my life.

Goal: Stop Being A Packrat

2008-05-19T09:34:00.003-07:00

To a certain extent, I've known that I have always been a packrat. It's hard for me to part with things like birthday cards or Easter cards, and somehow that translated into it being hard for me to part with credit card statements and offers for credit cards.

At this moment, I have roughly six bags of trash in my living room. I also have several bags of miscellaneous items sitting on the balcony, bags that have been on the balcony since August. I also have a bag of clothes and purses sitting in the kitchen. Then there are two bags of trash sitting outside the front door. The worst part of it is that I have yet to even begin going through the utility room and sifting through all the crap I have in there.

I move tomorrow. For days it has been, I move Tuesday, and now Tuesday is tomorrow. We'll see whether or not I am ready for the move tomorrow.

It was my plan and hope to have to make only one trip to the city with all my stuff, but now, now I have a feeling it will be two trips at least.

The only good thing about all this? She reminded me, in a twitter direct message, that at least I will no longer be living in squalor.

Where I Annoyingly List My Purchases As Well As What I Still Need To Purchase

2008-05-18T17:05:00.001-07:00

I'm fairly, if not fully, positive that I should not be allowed to walk into another store ever again, including a grocery store. With the amount of stuff I have to move from my current two-bedroom apartment, which I share with my best friend, into my new one-bedroom apartment on Tuesday, I do not think I will have room for any food items. And, of course, I also have furniture to pick up on Tuesday and then move in as well.

It's not that I haven't tried to downsize on the amount of clothes I own as well as the number of books, CDs, shoes, purses, etc. because I have. Downsizing doesn't work, though. Or maybe it does, but I just own too much crap to see much of a difference. I'm lucky my boyfriend owns less than I do. When we get married and move into a bigger apartment than the one-bedroom I will be living in alone, I can continue to take over the living space.

And the picture? This picture that goes along with this post? That's only a little view of what I have packed so far. There's so much more to it.

And, of course, I have a bit of a problem called.. hello, my name is LA, and I am a shopaholic. I really should seek help for it.

In the past week, since I secured the apartment I move into on on Tuesday, I have purchased:
- A full-size brass bed (frame, headboard, footboard, mattress and box springs)
- A sage green couch
- A black storage ottoman (for a coffee table)
- A computer desk
- A black computer desk
- A bookshelf
- A floor lamp
- A shower curtain
- A microwave
- An over-the-toilet organization shelving unit
- A new bedding set and new Egyptian Cotton sheets
- Miscellaneous decorations for the wall (which I'm adding onto the already massive collection of home decor I had from this apartment)
- Two picture frames
- Six plates, six salad plates, six bowls
- A set of 12 glasses

I still need to purchase
- A dresser
- A night stand
- A table lamp
- An end table
- An entertainment center
- A computer chair
- A trash can
- A laundry hamper
- A bistro set
- Miscellaneous coffee mugs
- More throw pillows for the couch
- Organization unit for my closet

This moving thing.. It's exciting, yes. But fun? Right now, not so much. Remind me never to do it again (and if I have to, remind me to start packing earlier than I did this time.)

Going To Miss Watching Full House On Cable When I Move

2008-05-17T09:02:00.001-07:00

Somehow, just days after graduation, I secured a full-time job. The next day, I secured an apartment. Now I'm dealing with securing furniture and figuring out exactly how I am going to move all of my luggage out of my current third story apartment and into my new first story apartment. I think I know enough boys to do that.

Words have been lost lately, at least words that are biting and honest. Everything I think of to write is whiney, along the lines of I'm scared and nervous and freaking out over everything and think I'm going to start crying RIGHT NOW.

And that stops today. I'm sick of worrying over what everyone else thinks, over what everyone else expects, over how much I have or have not planned. If the past week hasn't been proof enough that things will work out no matter what, then I don't know what is proof enough.

Finally Feeling Inspired Again, Dangit. Slacker Doesn't Work Well On Me.

2008-04-29T05:21:00.006-07:00

Alarm goes off at 6:55am. I stumble out of bed, wipe the sand out of my eyes, regret staying up past 2:00am discussing Christianity with MB over AOL Instant Messenger, take medicine, go to the bathroom, and climb back in bed. Then, because I feel like a somewhat responsible student who wants to make Bs with maybe an A or two thrown in, I edit my last 5 page paper, which argues something on The Gospel of Peter, a non-canonical gospel.

Rereading my papers is something I do not enjoy, as I can where they are lacking but am unwilling to do much to pad them more. Its 5 pages long, and while there are arguments in the pages, it seems that once again I included too much description and not enough solid evidence. But I am much too attached to my description to go back and press the delete button. I am also too lazy to attempt placing solid evidence. Its too early in the morning and too late in my final semester as an undergraduate to truly care.

It is sad that my GPA will drop if I make only Bs this semester. I can't quite decide how much I care. Probably more than I want to admit. I have only one C at this institution, and while I repeat the college mantra "Cs get degrees," I know I might possibly fall into a pit of despair if I graduate with two Cs. I'll still have over a 3.0 GPA, over a 3.25 GPA in fact, but I'll have it with the knowledge that I could have done must better.

This realization means that while I do not have any finals until next Wednesday, I will be spending the majority of Monday and Tuesday in the library reading all the assignments I should have read in the beginning of the semester. I will also force my hand to fall off, thus forcing me to learn how to write with my left hand, while taking notes and highlighting said readings.

And, after obsessively figuring out my grades instead of falling back asleep, I can say there is still a chance (a small one but one does exist) that I could end the semester with anywhere between a 3.5 GPA and a 4.0 GPA if I worked my butt off in a way I never have before. Okay, I have worked that hard before; it just sounds better if I say I haven't. Or something.

At least I began my 25 page paper last night. 3.2 pages down, 21.8 pages to go. Plus a 100 page portfolio. Senior year of college is not as easy as senior year of high school (post-prom when every teacher gnawed on chalk and pencils in anxiousness of us finally {!} leaving).

Inappropriate? Check. Funny? Check, check.

2008-04-28T14:07:00.006-07:00

A few of my favorites from someecards.com; if easily offended, I suggest skipping to the post following this.

And now, from overheardinnewyork.com:

Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god... You didn't do what you did last time, did you?!?

College boy #1: Do you think when we get there we can...
[Five second pause.]
College boy #2: What?
College boy #1: Sorry, I had to concentrate. I had to fart.

Boy waving banana: Want this?
Frustrated girl: I don't need a banana. I have a boyfriend

4 More Days of Class = Done With College, Forever

2008-04-28T10:08:00.006-07:00

Four more days of class. Then, one 25 page paper to turn in along with a 100 page portfolio and two finals to take. Then I just survive a weekend in Oklahoma with my family and graduation. Then I am truly done. And, as of right now, truly homeless and jobless. I am going to be a bum.

Maybe my camera batteries will last long enough for me to take more pictures and then maybe I can sell said pictures and make enough money for a delicious 10-piece chicken nugget meal from McDonald's. With barbecue sauce, of course. I am still bitter I didn't get barbecue sauce yesterday. Humph.

Shake Your Pom Pom

2008-04-17T09:10:00.001-07:00

For the time being, I am "unemployed", meaning I have only one job (outside of 12 hours of upper-division college hours) instead of two. I now work a total of 5 hours a week, 7 if you include driving to and from work, instead of working 30 hours a week. At first, I was devastated. And I was a huge mess of stress and other not very happy emotions. Poor boyfriend didn't know what hit him. Poor me couldn't handle anything.

And now? Now, I am starting to see it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And, yes, I will once again soon to be a productive member of society. I just have to find the right career because a job will no longer cut it. I'm moving on, baby!

Smoking Hot Ladies

2008-04-13T11:42:00.005-07:00

Obsession: the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

My obsessions include flowers, sunsets, clouds, chocolate, nail polish, shoes, purses, monthly hair appointments, tanning.

Some obsessions are expensive, others are not. Most cause me to appear vain. What it comes down to, I think, is that these obsessions are the little bits and pieces of beauty in everyday life. Its easy to focus on the negatives like being laid off or not knowing what career is correct for me or wondering where exactly I will be once I graduate. But these little obsessions help me to find beauty in life so I can trudge through all the mud the rainy days leave behind.

Not Sure What To Feel

2007-09-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

Life changes. Every single day is different. Nothing ever stays the same. Relationships constantly adapt. People choose new paths to follow or decide to remain on the same path. Seemingly meaningless decisions can alter an entire day, week, year, and quite possibly a life. And yet, these decisions are made without a second thought or sometimes with too much though. At times, also, the decisions are postponed and not made.

I'm currently struggling with not making decisions. Not only that, but I am struggling with finding the drive to take time and devote it to school and to the things I realize I need to accomplish. It's a fear that is close to me, and that is a fear of success. Because if I succeed, then what?

I've discovered that more people than I would have thought are currently dealing with this as we are all moving towards the next steps in our lives following graduating from college. It is such a large milestone we hear and so exciting. But there is so much unknown, so many questions to answer and decisions to make and fact to align.

And this is why I am doing anything I can to escape it. Soon I'll run out of time for escaping. I've already run out of money. There are only so many nights you can go out to dinner and pairs of jeans you can purchase before you realize that escaping will not make the decisions disappear or stop life from changing. It just hurts you in the end.

Where Nothing Dims These Stars

2007-09-18T02:23:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
1. Are you in a relationship?: No
2. Are you happy?: Yes!
3. Are you bored?: Yes
4. Are you sad?: Nope
5. Are you Italian?: No
6. Are you German? Yes
7. Are you Asian?: No but I have an Asian name from my students in China
8. Are you Mexican? No
9. Are you Irish?: No
10. Are your parents still married?: Yes

TEN FACTS:
1. Birth Place: Upland, CA
2. Hair Color: naturally brunette but dyed blond
3. Height: 5'8"
4. Hair Style: straight and blond
5. Eye color: naturally a blue hazel, aqua blue with contacts
6. Room color: yellow!
9. Mood: Sick of school.
8. Crush: ........
9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ears, tattoo soon (hopefully)
10. Lefty/righty: Righty.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:
1. Have you ever been in love?: No
3. Why did your last relationship fail? Too many reasons to list
4. Have you ever been hurt?: Yes.
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart?: Yes
6. Would you date someone of a different race?: Yes
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? Yes.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?: Yes
9. Have you kissed someone within the last week?: No

TEN ONE OR OTHERS:
1. Love or lust?: Love.
2. Up or down?: Down.
3. Cats or Dogs?: Dogs.
5. Television or Internet?: Television....The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, The Hills...
6. Pepsi or coke?: Diet Coke
7. Wild night out or romantic night out?: Wild night with girlfriends, romantic night with boyfriend (good answer)
8. Black or white?: Black
9. Night or day?: Day
10. IM or phone?: Phone

TEN HAVE YOU EVERS:
1. Been caught sneaking out?: Never got caught
2. Done something you regret?: Yes
3. Been Streaking?: No
4. Bungee jump?: No
5. Been on a house boat?: Yes
6. Finished an entire jawbreaker?: No
7. Been skinny dippin?: Yes.
8. Ever been on a plane?: Yes.
9. Cried because you lost a pet?: Yes.
10. Wanted to disappear?: Yes.

TEN PREFERENCES:
1. Smile or eyes?: Smile
2. Light or dark hair?: Don't care.
3. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person. Usually hugs. Any physical touch is good, usually.
4. Shorter or taller: Taller please
5. Intelligence or attraction: Intelligence, attraction can be fleeting
6. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
7. Nice stomach or nice arms?: Arms, all the way
8. Hook-up or relationship: Depends on the day... usually dating; not too sure about a full on relationship yet
10. A date outside or at the movies?: How about a movie outside?

TEN LASTS:
1. Phone call you made: MH
2. Phone call you received: MH
4. Person you hugged: EW
5. Person you recieve a text from: SS
8. Person you went to the movies with: MP
9. Person you have missed: My mom.
10. Song you heard: Ingram Hill - She Wants To Be Alone

Why do boys have to be so confusing? If I had any money left from my paycheck, I would shop until I found the answer, but I, uh, sort of already shopped in an attempt to find the answer. I didn't come home from the mall empty-handed, but I didn't find the answers I needed either.

Shopping Makes The World Spin Round

2007-09-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

There's very little that shopping can't fix or at least make things seem better. At least that's my philosophy. It's a philosophy that I thought I moved past, but after two days on a rollercoaster ride of emotion, I went back to the philosophy and took myself shopping after a busy day of working with babies and then interning in the city. The shopping was both a way of congratulations and a bandaid over any wounds I had. And it worked very, very well.

I feel much better than I did earlier this morning. Minus the sinus pressure I have pressing against my forehead. It's a good thing NyQuil and a full night's rest followed by a Saturday of homework can take care of all that. I'm a bad Sooner as I will not be at the game tomorrow.

Maybe I can take myself shopping for an OU/Texas shirt. Then I'll feel better...

Competition and Friendships

2007-09-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

What is it that pushes a woman to constantly compare herself to the other women around her? In my nonverbal communication class, we just finished discussing just how important appearance is, how even babies at 2 or 3 months old can differentiate between an attractive person and unattractive person. Is this what pushes a woman to look at the people around her and then peer at herself and decide what needs to be changed? Is it really just as simple as something we have ticking inside of us? It might be true for finding that person to spend a night, a week, a month, or a lifetime with, but what about when it comes to forming and then keeping friendships.

On Friday night, I went out to a bar with several girl friends, and within the first ten minutes of finally getting into the bar (after having waited outside for thirty minutes), I had a few girls compliment my curled hair. I said 'thank you', but I stopped short after that because what do you say when a random woman compliments you? I live in the real world, or as close to the real world as I can get at 22 and still in college, and in the real world, women just aren't always that nice to you unless you know them or they know someone you are with. And there was a compliment in the bathroom, when I was trying to make sure my eyeliner and eyeshadow were still on my eyes and not running down my cheeks, from a girl who, while quite intoxicated, was so kind and sincere about the compliment that it took me (again) by surprise.

I'm used to the girls who stare you down if they see you out with a guy they see as hot. I'm used to the girls who roll their eyes when you say "excuse me" and the girls who do their best to keep their circle as tight as possible because life as we know it will end if someone new is let into the circle.

At least that is what I was used to. Maybe now I'm entering into a new area of girls, friendship, and life where everyone is searching for that close group to share their lives with, where people are ready and willing to open themselves up and be just the slightest bit vulnerable with their stories if it means they might find a soulmate.

Maybe we're all just searching, and sometimes the only way to search is to weed people out by being that bitchy girl and seeing who can handle it. Maybe it's not something we are biologically programmed with as my nonverbal communication class suggests.

Shades of Love

2007-09-03T02:03:00.000-07:00

Love is complicated -- full of sacrifice and compromise. But maybe that’s the best part. When you see someone in love you want to do whatever you can for them because the truth is...you want to be them. - Sally, "Felicity"

I'm ready. I'm finally ready. I know that does not mean I'll fall in love within the next two days, but I'm finally ready. And being ready for a relationship takes off a huge weight.

I never knew just being ready would be so freeing.

Now I just need to find someone else who is ready as well.

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

2007-08-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

There are times when I wish my life was documented on a reality-TV show. There are times when I wish I had a camera following me just so I would have the memories to always look to and see, memories of days like yesterday and today where I spent the majority of my time with friends catching up and having true conversations. But then I remember that no reality-TV show is a documentation of a realistic life, and I'm grateful for my camera-free existence.

Still, days like today deserve to be documented on tape because it shows how rich and deep relationships can go, and it reminds me of why I am so hesitant to graduate college in less than 9 months. It's not that the next chapter of my life doesn't excite me (even though I am still clueless as to what I will be doing), but the excitement so easily becomes overshadowed by fears, worries, and concerns. It was so easy to trust God this summer because I had no place else to turn, so I should easily trust him now. Only, it doesn't work that way because I see too many other options of where to place my trust, and God doesn't always yell as loudly as the other options. The reason I am hesitant is mainly because of the unknown.

I have so many questions concerning life after college, life where I hopefully move somewhere exciting like New York City or China and pursue the rest of my life there. Questions like "how will I pay insurance and buy groceries" as well as questions like "how do you make friends in the real world without the bubble college provides" and most importantly "how do I find a boyfriend in the real world".

Those questions might be easy to answer if I was one to head to the bars every night or use my credit card to buy groceries and deal with it later, but I've been that person before. And it's my hope to never be that person again because it doesn't work for me. I'm far less than joyful, and right now am literally paying the price for doing things like that. I want more, but I don't know how I get that more.

At least I have a little under 9 months to find the answers? Or better yet, a little under 9 months to wait for God to reveal the aswers to me. And 9 months to learn how to truly live a simple life. I've started that by filling three trashbags with clothes, shoes, and purses to give away and by not trying on a single pair of shoes while perusing Shoetopia this afternoon. It may not seem like a big deal, but trust me when I say that it is. A few more big deals and maybe I'll be closer to set for the rest of my life.

It's Never Really Over

2007-06-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

Before summer began at camp, I attended a week of training. And I thought about quitting. I honestly didn't think I could survive three weeks of camp, even though I'd lasted an entire summer two years before. But I kept my commitment. I survived. I have several bruises, a sore ankle, am sleep deprived, but I survived.

During training week, you are prepared for every possible situation that might happen in the cabin. I use the term prepared loosely because honestly nothing can prepare you for cabin life until you are in the middle of a cabin, until you are really responsible for 9 to 15 13-year-old girls. And they tell you during training that the time spent working at the camp will be the hardest of your life. Again, it's hard to understand the truth of that statement until you have actually lived it.

I cried more over the past three weeks than I normally cry in a year, including the tears that fall while I watch movies. There was so much that happened while I was at camp. I have so many stories from those three weeks, but I'm saving the stories. Maybe I'll write a book one day. Or maybe I'll just keep them close to my heart and remember the people from my three weeks in Livingston.

What I do know is that I can do it. Not camp but this thing we call life. I can do it, and I can make it matter. It just takes one person to spark a change. I saw that over the course of three weeks. Even if I wrote out everything that happened, I'm not sure I could adequately describe the changes that occured in my life. I know I couldn't describe the changes I saw in the lives of the people around me. But what I do know is this. Life can bring it on because if I could survive those three weeks, I can survive just about anything.

Dream of Me, Only I'd Rather Not

2007-06-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night marks the third night I have had a detailed dream concerning marriage or serious relationships, and when I woke up this morning, there was a slight smile. Then I figured out what the dream was about and sighed. It's really hard to repeat that I don't need no man when all I seem to dream about is having a man.

This particular dream speaks volumes right now, which is never a good thing. I'm already second guessing myself and wringing my hands over whether or not I can actually pull this summer off, but hey, let's add in a dream about a very cute country boy, who has a baby that isn't mine but that I care for like it is mine, and see how I deal with it all. Especially since, you know, I dreamt about said country boy and my dad discussing my future. The country boy doesn't want me to give up my dreams for him or the baby. At least I know how to pick them in my dreams. Now I just need to learn how to transfer that talent to real life.

So what did the man of my deams look like? Taller than me, blond hair, blue eyes, nice build. Pretty much the All-American guy, which is not inventive at all. Hello, I am a writing major; could my dreams please reflect my ability to draw characters with words?

One good thing, though, was that there was no marriage involved in this dream. Just the dream man standing and clapping as I graduated across a very small stage. And no marriage is good because the last marriage dream I had was of the wedding day, when I left the guy at the altar.

If these dreams continue, I'm either going to need a good man or some psychologist to let me lay on a black couch while she figures out what all of this means.

Summer In Seabrook

2007-06-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Light Up Ahead

2007-05-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

Eventually, I want a summer where I can sit and read every single day. I say this; I think about it all the time, but I never follow through with it. Instead I putter through a few days of nothing to do, and then I propel myself into weeks packed with working as a camp counselor and then traveling to a foreign country for weeks as an English teacher. There is no real time for rest. There is no way of slowing myself down. There is only fast and faster in my life.

Being busy is a good thing. It keeps the mind from going idle. It focuses my attention on what I need to get done, and I seem to find more time to relax and write because I know I have to fit it into my schedule. I can't just channel surf my way through relaxation; instead, I have to be proactive about it.

The past week was one of the hardest of my life, so this week I am being proactive about writing and about reading. I'm going to enjoy this week I have for rest. I'm going to take advantage of it and enjoy it so that when I make the two-hour back to camp I am ready to pour out everything I have (and more) into the three sets of campers I will have.

And I'm not exactly sure how this summer will work. There are so many little things I'm worried over, little things I never thought through before signing up for the summer job or before applying for the teaching position. But I won't second-guess myself, at least not too much. Life is all about trusting your first instinct and trusting that everything will follow in a way that takes care of the small, daunting details. It's not about picking through all the options and having an anxiety attack over whether or not the correct option was selected.

Right now, it's pouring outside. The rain is falling down in a slant that almost makes the rain look as though it is falling sideways. The palm trees in my parent's backyard are moving about wildly, and watching the canal water blur as the rain hits it sends a calm through me. It's beautiful out here when it's sunny and when it's rainy. There aren't many places like that in the world, at least not like this, and being able to enjoy this moment, since I don't yet have to venture out in it, tells me I made the right choice. If I had stayed at school to work until leaving to teach, I would've missed this.

Reasons I Dislike Driving In Cities I Am Unfamiliar With

2007-05-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

1) I have no idea what radio stations are "good".
2) I'm never sure exactly how many miles over the speed limit I can get away with.
3) I lose track of all the different highways.
4) Really, how many streets can you name 21st or 11th?
5) I might have gotten about 5 tickets for accidentally running red lights.
6) I'm told 1/4 mile before the exit that I need to be in the right lane. And I'm in the farthest left lane possible.
7) I have to use my own money to pay the tolls instead of running through with the Texas Tag my parents pay for.
8) I'm not sure whether or not the camers above the lights work.
9) Again. A possibility of 5 tickets for accidentally running red lights.

Much Farther To Go

2007-05-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

I thought that saying goodbye would become easier as I grew older, but if anything, it has become harder.

Commencement and graduation are this weekend. I know so many people who are throwing their caps in the air and bidding farewell to OU. There are people moving to Connecticut, people moving to Virginia, people going home, and people who aren't sure yet. Their lives will continue without OU, and OU will continue without them. But for me, it won't be the same.

Friendships are difficult, no matter your age, but there's a sort of serenity with friendships in college. It's so easy to go weeks and sometimes months without seeing or talking to friends, and then one night you meet up for dinner at The Mont or you run into people on campus. And it's like nothing has changed. There's an ease in conversation and a familiarity to the humor you share. There's always something to talk about and people who connect you. Bringing new people into the friendships is effortless. There's so much room for freedom. No one has to worry about jumping through popularity hoops as was the case in high school and as will possibly be the case in the real world.

And then graduation happens and changes everything. Paths will cross again, but I won't see these people at 10 year reunions. I'm supposed to graduate with them. I'm supposed to be done with school according to the college plan that college is a 4-year institution. I have another year left here, and they're done. How does this work? How is it so easy to realize that I don't want to graduate and yet wish I could walk with these friends of mine? How is it that I can't quite figure out if I'm really not ready to join the real world?

And how will I ever replace some of these people? It's not that I am extremely close to these girls, but they've touched my life in a way that will never again be recreated. The pictures we have, the memories we share will always be special. But we're all in different places now. That's what is so hard about college, I think. Everything changes every year in a way bigger than the world of gossip and drunken hook-ups and revolving relationships that constitute some of high school. And I'm thankful for the changes. I'm just not quite sure how to respond to the changes.

And this summer will change even more. Separated by so many friends but with others for five straight weeks, I'll grow and adapt and maybe figure out who God is calling me to be in this big, wide world. Everyone I know will grow and adapt as well, and when we all come back into this world of OU and Norman and trips to Oklahoma City and getting through finals with wonderments of "Is it worth it? Should I just drop out?", we'll be different and yet the same.

And, because Carrie Bradshaw always says it best...
Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Looking Forward to Looking Back

2007-05-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

When I look in the mirror, it takes me a moment to realize that I am actually looking at the reflection of myself. I went blonde on Saturday, and I love the change. It just takes some getting used to. Now, if only I can lose some weight and have a television camera trail my every move, I will be complete. Because just like friendships aren't real until you are "friends" on facebook, life isn't real until you have a reality televsion show on MTV.

This summer will take care of that, I think. We'll be in China for a month, teaching English and American culture in Cangzhou, and one of the girls is bringing along her video camera. There will be confessionals along with all the live footage of us at work teaching. It might be hard to market to MTV, what with the lack of hook-ups, but it will be fun to shop around to friends and family. My own personal 15-minutes of fame.

Before China, I have a few days left in my apartment and then a weekend of Tulsa followed by a ropes course, and then it's homeward bound to Seabrook for a few days of relaxing. And then it's the return to camp; it will be just like summer 2005 but better!

There's something about being at camp and serving the kids that just excites the deepest part of my heart. I feel the same thing when I'm at the daycare. When 2-year-olds play hide-and-seek around you and rest their weight on you as you read to them, your heart sort of clenches (in a good way), and it makes me think that if I can do this, if I can help these kids, and turn it into a real-life job one day, I'll have done enough with my life.

When I said goodbye to my 2-year-olds on Tuesday, it was hard to keep from crying. Those kids changed my life. I learned patience. I realized what love was. I learned about God and how He wants me to run so hard after Him, just as those kids run hard after everything because everything excites them so much. Those lessons can never be taken from me or replaced just as those kids can never be replaced. I'll carry everything around with me wherever I go.

And as I hold your dirty hand all that I can say to you
Is in the awkward smile I make
I can’t explain why I came to this distant land
Your simple smiles refresh my soul and
I can’t help but love you and know
That you have all you need

As I look into your face I see hope and not disgrace
And strength that carries you along the rugged road you travel on
And as we go our separate ways you can be sure that I have changed
Because I’ve seen the way you live

These Are The Days

2007-05-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I thought life changed at a snail's pace. I was always counting down until birthdays. I was always waiting for something more. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to live my dreams, and I thought I could only do that when I was 18 or 21 or out of college.

I feel like I wasted those days. I feel like the time I spent wanting something more should have been spent enjoying what I had. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be to slow down and to enjoy. I would also tell her not to date the boys she was attracted to but to listen to the boys her father approved of because, well, he was always right.

But I can't tell my younger self those things. Instead, I can tell the self I am today to slow down, to enjoy, to build relationships and to be content with what is right there in front of you (me) for the taking. That's what I've learned more than anything this year. That's what I want to continue to know through the summer and on into the years that lie ahead.

There's so much good in the world. But there's a lot of bad in the world too. They have to balance each other out. Which is a lot like planning out one's life. You have to mix the plans with the spontaneous. Without the mix, you'll always be searching for something more when what you want might be right in front of you.

how i missed my limb...

2005-05-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

My computer is alive again.

I got System Restore to work. So I took my computer back a week and it fixed the problem. It now runs, and the CPU doesn't get up to 100%. It's still a bit warm and the laptop has had a tendency to overheat, so the new motherboard with be good for it. And I do need a new screen because the one I have jiggles a lot. So I still have my hard-drive, and Dr. Dell (who is really Dr. BancTec) should be here within the next hour. Hopefully I will get enough time to eat Taco Mayo with Morgan.

saul paul says...

2005-05-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

So my laptop has died.

Well it is almost dead at least. The death is not official, and I am waiting on a Dell guy to call me up and let me know when he can come over and perform an autopsy. Because I need my computer; its like a limb I just can not function without. Especially as an English major. Yes I have other things to study, but I can't concentrate on French or Anthropology when my Inspiron 8500 is dying on the desk!

Basically the computer tkes 15 minutes to turn on. Then no toolbar shows up. I can't open any programs. The CPU is at 100%. The computer gets hots. It maks me mad. I can't even do anything in Safe Mode. So the Dell guy I talked to on the phone, his name was Saul or Paul or something American (I'll just call him Saul Paul), is sending me a new motherboard, a new screen (because mine is loose), a new keyboard (I think this was just an added bonus), and a new palm-rest, mousepad thing. I asked if I could just get a whole new computer, but he said no. Because I am pretty sure Dr. Dell is going to have to reformat everything. My dad said I could make him do it, so I am going to.

Dr. Dell guy and I will sit in the lobby of the residence hall, and he will fix my computer while not talking to me. Because these guys don't talk. Saul Paul and I sat on the phone for 52 minutes. Many of those minutes were filled with silence because he didn't say anything and I had cried my eys out before calling him. I thought about crying while on the phone with Saul Paul, but it would have been a little too strange to be comforted by Saul Paul who has no idea what I look like and already thought I was dumb because I asked stupid questions so he would TALK and I didn't feel like such a total loser.

I have a special number to call to find out about the status of everything. I think I am going to have to phone it after class because I have yet to receive an e-mail from Saul Paul that I was told to expect. He probably got the e-mail address wrong. At this point I am worried he got everything wrong because the guy just didn't seem to understand the words and letters that were coming out of my mouth. I think he took to calling me Waleslie as we were on the phone. So if I get a package for Waleslie the post office better let me pick it up. It is, after all, my motherboard and I NEED IT.

whispering over a two-way radio

2005-05-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

So I just received 12 absolutely breath-takingly gorgeous roses from my dad as a way of saying "great job this semester, I am so proud of you". They are insanely huge and pink and red and yellow and a peachy-orange. With fern branced in the arrangement. And they smell so good. I just want to sit here and stare at them and smell them for the rest of the day instead of studying and going to class.

How I love my daddy. Will any boy ever be able to compete? I don't know; he'll have to be able to find some pretty big roses!

cool is just a way of being

2005-05-04T00:22:00.000-07:00

Liz: OH....leslie
Liz: i'm listening to my launch radio station
Liz: :-)
Me: What?
Me: Uh huh
Liz: ALWAYS BE MY BABY!
Liz: so 5th grade
Me: LOVE that song.
Me: Oh honey I played that song whenever by heart got broke.
Me: It was my song for like five years.
Me: LOL
Liz: when i'm a famous singer, i will cover it
Liz: ;-)
Me: Sounds good to me.
Me: And write a dedication to me on the CD sleeve.
Me: I always wanted to be a singer so I could write a thank you for the CD sleeve.
Liz: LOL
Liz: hence, becoming a writer
Me: Yes yes
Liz: the music biz doesn't know what they missed
Me: Nope. They don't.
Liz: your liner notes
Liz: man

Liz: tragic
Me: One day, when I am on Jay Leno, they will know.

We really are that dorky. And, actually, we are even dorkier than that, but I have to maintain some cool points. I can't share all my secrets at once.

Me: BTW I am putting part of our AIM convo on my blog.
Liz: :-)
Liz: i'm gonna be famous!
Liz: make sure you link me
Liz: be my pimp, leslie

Yes we are cool. You should all want to be our friends.

wish you could hear me

2005-05-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

She asked me once if it was love at first sight. Between her father and me, that is. I told her it wasn’t ‘cause it wasn’t. So she asked when I first realized I was in-love with him. It was one of those rare occasions when we were talkin’, really talkin’ about things other than the weather and her not-so-good grades. And I couldn’t tell her. Couldn’t recall for the life of me when I first fell in-love with him. That’s strange you know. Most women remember down to the minute. They tell you what they was wearing and what he smelled like. He could tell you all that but not me. The details never mattered much to me. That day, when we was talkin’, she asked what time she came into the world. Couldn’t tell her that either. Sad, huh? A mother who don’t remember when her only baby was born. Most people think it’s a shame, but my mother never remembered things and I grew up not carin’ about the details.

I wish I could remember now. Maybe things would be different if I had told her those things. Maybe life wouldn’t be the way it is, so messy and stuff, but he was the one who cared about the details. Her daddy, that is. He could tell you what the first vegetable she ate was and the day she went off to school, kindergarten. They was close, you know, real close. People used to laugh and say he was her mother and I was the daddy. I never thought it was funny, but he sure did. He would laugh about it and smile all big at me. Annoyed me to no end. Wish I could hear his laugh now.

She closed her eyes and tried to remember the last time life had made sense. It had been six years ago, exactly three days before Jacob packed his bags and left Michigan. He had written their parents a note saying that he needed to find himself and would be in California until he did. There was no explanation in the note for why he suddenly felt so lost, but Brooke had known. Her parents had remained dumb to the truth since then.

“He died in a car accident,” she said opening her eyes, the image of Jacob’s goodbye letter dissolving.

Sand trickled from Jacob’s hands. He glanced at her. “I know. Mom told me when she called.” He returned to studying the beach.

“A drunk-driving accident. Some idiot ran the one light in town and hit Brad’s car. He was heading home from the supermarket because he had to go buy cold medicine for Raven.”

“I know it was a drunk-driving accident. Mom told me; that’s why I’m here,” Jacob said. He surveyed Brooke until she focused her vision on the lake. “Who is Raven? I thought he and Chelsea got married.”

“They did. Right after you left. Raven’s their daughter; that’s what they named her.” Brooke rolled her head to watch Jacob’s expression in the fading sunlight. His happy exterior from the airport had disappeared and a remorseful one replaced it.

“I always thought Chelsea wanted to name her daughter Stephanie or Deanna.” Jacob pulled his legs to his chest and embraced them.

Brooke shrugged her shoulders and tilted her head to the side. “She wanted to name the daughter she thought she was going to have with you Stephanie. When you left, she didn’t know what to name her, and then she and Brad got married and picked a name at the hospital right after the baby was born.”

Because these words are a larger piece of my heart then even I understand. Because stories, both fiction and non-fiction and of the monologue sort, are a part of my life mixed with the lives of others. Because words survive after everything else fades away.

some musical history

2005-05-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

According to this site Everything She Wants by Wham! was number one when I was born in 1985. I think I know that song, but I am not entirely sure. I am a horrible eighties child; I realize this.

When I turned 10 (because 10 was a very important age; hello- double digits!), This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan was number one. I remember that song somewhat fondly.

As I turned 13, again a very important age because you finally become a teenager, My All by Mariah Carey was number one. I miss those days because Mariah sang songs that meant something to me. Always Be My Baby was played all the time as I nursed broken hearts.

I got my driver's license when I was 16. The DMV shouldn't have given it to me because I didn't (and still don't) know how to parallel park. As long as I live in Houston my whole life, I won't have to. All for You by Janet Jackson was number one that day. I liked that song at the time. Now I wonder what was wrong with me. I even bought that album. I should keep that fact to myself from now on, I believe.

On a monumental day (when I turned 18 and was able to vote), Get Busy by Sean Paul was number one. That makes me very sad and brings back memories of my suitemate from SFASU who used to dance to Sean Paul all the time. That fact aside, she was cool. And sadly enough, Get Busy was still number one on the day that I graduated from high school. That makes me want to cry.

it's a way of saying things

2005-05-01T01:13:00.000-07:00

I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.

I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings but I didn't realize I was standing out there alone.

Because Carrie on Sex and the City is filled with wisdom. And sometimes television just says things so wonderfully you have to hold onto the quotes.