Not Sure What To Feel

Life changes. Every single day is different. Nothing ever stays the same. Relationships constantly adapt. People choose new paths to follow or decide to remain on the same path. Seemingly meaningless decisions can alter an entire day, week, year, and quite possibly a life. And yet, these decisions are made without a second thought or sometimes with too much though. At times, also, the decisions are postponed and not made.

I'm currently struggling with not making decisions. Not only that, but I am struggling with finding the drive to take time and devote it to school and to the things I realize I need to accomplish. It's a fear that is close to me, and that is a fear of success. Because if I succeed, then what?

I've discovered that more people than I would have thought are currently dealing with this as we are all moving towards the next steps in our lives following graduating from college. It is such a large milestone we hear and so exciting. But there is so much unknown, so many questions to answer and decisions to make and fact to align.

And this is why I am doing anything I can to escape it. Soon I'll run out of time for escaping. I've already run out of money. There are only so many nights you can go out to dinner and pairs of jeans you can purchase before you realize that escaping will not make the decisions disappear or stop life from changing. It just hurts you in the end.

Where Nothing Dims These Stars

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU:
1. Are you in a relationship?: No
2. Are you happy?: Yes!
3. Are you bored?: Yes
4. Are you sad?: Nope
5. Are you Italian?: No
6. Are you German? Yes
7. Are you Asian?: No but I have an Asian name from my students in China
8. Are you Mexican? No
9. Are you Irish?: No
10. Are your parents still married?: Yes

TEN FACTS:
1. Birth Place: Upland, CA
2. Hair Color: naturally brunette but dyed blond
3. Height: 5'8"
4. Hair Style: straight and blond
5. Eye color: naturally a blue hazel, aqua blue with contacts
6. Room color: yellow!
9. Mood: Sick of school.
8. Crush: ........
9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ears, tattoo soon (hopefully)
10. Lefty/righty: Righty.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:
1. Have you ever been in love?: No
3. Why did your last relationship fail? Too many reasons to list
4. Have you ever been hurt?: Yes.
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart?: Yes
6. Would you date someone of a different race?: Yes
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? Yes.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?: Yes
9. Have you kissed someone within the last week?: No

TEN ONE OR OTHERS:
1. Love or lust?: Love.
2. Up or down?: Down.
3. Cats or Dogs?: Dogs.
5. Television or Internet?: Television....The Hills, Grey's Anatomy, The Hills...
6. Pepsi or coke?: Diet Coke
7. Wild night out or romantic night out?: Wild night with girlfriends, romantic night with boyfriend (good answer)
8. Black or white?: Black
9. Night or day?: Day
10. IM or phone?: Phone

TEN HAVE YOU EVERS:
1. Been caught sneaking out?: Never got caught
2. Done something you regret?: Yes
3. Been Streaking?: No
4. Bungee jump?: No
5. Been on a house boat?: Yes
6. Finished an entire jawbreaker?: No
7. Been skinny dippin?: Yes.
8. Ever been on a plane?: Yes.
9. Cried because you lost a pet?: Yes.
10. Wanted to disappear?: Yes.

TEN PREFERENCES:
1. Smile or eyes?: Smile
2. Light or dark hair?: Don't care.
3. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person. Usually hugs. Any physical touch is good, usually.
4. Shorter or taller: Taller please
5. Intelligence or attraction: Intelligence, attraction can be fleeting
6. Romantic or spontaneous: Both.
7. Nice stomach or nice arms?: Arms, all the way
8. Hook-up or relationship: Depends on the day... usually dating; not too sure about a full on relationship yet
10. A date outside or at the movies?: How about a movie outside?

TEN LASTS:
1. Phone call you made: MH
2. Phone call you received: MH
4. Person you hugged: EW
5. Person you recieve a text from: SS
8. Person you went to the movies with: MP
9. Person you have missed: My mom.
10. Song you heard: Ingram Hill - She Wants To Be Alone





Why do boys have to be so confusing? If I had any money left from my paycheck, I would shop until I found the answer, but I, uh, sort of already shopped in an attempt to find the answer. I didn't come home from the mall empty-handed, but I didn't find the answers I needed either.

Shopping Makes The World Spin Round

There's very little that shopping can't fix or at least make things seem better. At least that's my philosophy. It's a philosophy that I thought I moved past, but after two days on a rollercoaster ride of emotion, I went back to the philosophy and took myself shopping after a busy day of working with babies and then interning in the city. The shopping was both a way of congratulations and a bandaid over any wounds I had. And it worked very, very well.

I feel much better than I did earlier this morning. Minus the sinus pressure I have pressing against my forehead. It's a good thing NyQuil and a full night's rest followed by a Saturday of homework can take care of all that. I'm a bad Sooner as I will not be at the game tomorrow.

Maybe I can take myself shopping for an OU/Texas shirt. Then I'll feel better...

Competition and Friendships

What is it that pushes a woman to constantly compare herself to the other women around her? In my nonverbal communication class, we just finished discussing just how important appearance is, how even babies at 2 or 3 months old can differentiate between an attractive person and unattractive person. Is this what pushes a woman to look at the people around her and then peer at herself and decide what needs to be changed? Is it really just as simple as something we have ticking inside of us? It might be true for finding that person to spend a night, a week, a month, or a lifetime with, but what about when it comes to forming and then keeping friendships.

On Friday night, I went out to a bar with several girl friends, and within the first ten minutes of finally getting into the bar (after having waited outside for thirty minutes), I had a few girls compliment my curled hair. I said 'thank you', but I stopped short after that because what do you say when a random woman compliments you? I live in the real world, or as close to the real world as I can get at 22 and still in college, and in the real world, women just aren't always that nice to you unless you know them or they know someone you are with. And there was a compliment in the bathroom, when I was trying to make sure my eyeliner and eyeshadow were still on my eyes and not running down my cheeks, from a girl who, while quite intoxicated, was so kind and sincere about the compliment that it took me (again) by surprise.

I'm used to the girls who stare you down if they see you out with a guy they see as hot. I'm used to the girls who roll their eyes when you say "excuse me" and the girls who do their best to keep their circle as tight as possible because life as we know it will end if someone new is let into the circle.

At least that is what I was used to. Maybe now I'm entering into a new area of girls, friendship, and life where everyone is searching for that close group to share their lives with, where people are ready and willing to open themselves up and be just the slightest bit vulnerable with their stories if it means they might find a soulmate.

Maybe we're all just searching, and sometimes the only way to search is to weed people out by being that bitchy girl and seeing who can handle it. Maybe it's not something we are biologically programmed with as my nonverbal communication class suggests.

Shades of Love

Love is complicated -- full of sacrifice and compromise. But maybe that’s the best part. When you see someone in love you want to do whatever you can for them because the truth is...you want to be them. - Sally, "Felicity"

I'm ready. I'm finally ready. I know that does not mean I'll fall in love within the next two days, but I'm finally ready. And being ready for a relationship takes off a huge weight.

I never knew just being ready would be so freeing.

Now I just need to find someone else who is ready as well.