My Heart Is Damaged Damaged Damaged (how you gonna fix it?)

I grew up with family spread all over the country. I went several Christmas' and Thanksgiving's without seeing any family members outside of my parents, brother, and dad's mom who lived an hour away. I kind of thought it was normal to live so far away from family. I expected to always live far away from family, to distance myself in that way.

The boyfriend grew up with all of his family in Oklahoma. I try to act like the opposite, but in a lot of ways, I am quite jealous of this. I always wanted family nearby. I just don't like to act like I want that. Instead, I try to act as independently as possible.

This independence thing? It's good in a lot of ways. I know I'll always make it. I know I'll never give up. I know I can survive anything that is thrown my direction. At the same time, though, it's bad in a lot of ways, a lot of ways I never realized until the boyfriend began pointing them out to me.

Like a lot of people, I don't like to be wrong, ever. In fact, growing up, I enjoyed always being right so much that I wore tee-shirts proclaiming my intelligence and I decorated my closet door with bumper stickers that said things like I'm not opinionated; I'm just always right. I was a joy to live with as a teenager, I promise.

At 23, I still don't like to be wrong. I also don't like to depend on people. What I am starting to figure out, ever so slowly and truly only by force, is that everyone is going to be wrong at some point. Since I spent so many years being "right", it's time for me to be wrong, whether I like it or not.

And honestly, I think my life will be a lot better once I start admitting faults and begin leaning on people. Life spent in solitude it's not so fun at all. In fact, it sucks. And, yes, I am hesitant to let people in, but when you meet nice people as well as people you know you will always have in your life, it's important to let them in and not just push them away.

This all hit me last night and today spending time with the boyfriend and with his family. They're not blood relatives, true, but they're great people I can't wait to claim as my family. That's the great thing about relationships, I think. They allow you to expand the circle of people you confide in, love, and trust.

New Theme Songs? "Damaged," Danity Kane & "Break the Ice," Britney Spears; iwillnotbeashamed

The new apartment is beginning to come together. All I need to purchase, now, are: two end tables, a microwave stand, a bistro set, and curtains. Amazing how that all happened so quickly.

And I begin my new job tomorrow, which means I am taking myself to the mall this afternoon to purchase a new pair of blue jeans. We're allowed to wear jeans on Fridays, as long as they have no holes, and right now, all my jeans have holes. So it's time to purchase a new pair along with a patch so I can repair my favorite pair of jeans that I have worn out in nine months. You honestly do not want to know how often I wear these suckers. Might also treat myself to a new pair of dress pants if I find some on sale.

Will have Internet in my apartment on Saturday night. Expect pictures, updates, and stories then!

Beginning Documentation of 1st Adult Move - 2008

This is the moving truck I picked up this morning at a UHaul. The plan was to tow a trailer behind my Ford Escape. However, I do not have a hitch on the back of my Escape, so I rented a moving truck. Oklahoma City, Edmond, Moore, and Norman - I apologize in advance for my slow driving on I35, I40, and possibly I44.

Proof That I Am Overly Obsessed With "The Hills"

I returned from Cangzhou, China in August after a month of teaching English. Upon my return, I was determined to simplify my life and to strengthen the relationships I had with my team members. After spending nearly two weeks in Michigan where I relaxed, read, took far too many pictures, enjoyed the beach, ate turkey sandwiches from Subway and almost nothing else, and ate lots of fudge, I moved back into my apartment with the same goals.

One of the first things I did was go through all the rooms of the apartment and put the things I no longer needed or wanted into plastic garbage bags. For a few weeks, these bags sat in the living room, and then they moved onto the balcony. I had every intention of taking these bags to Goodwill; I just never got around to it. Living on the third floor makes it so I don't really want to lug heavy bags down the stairs and into my car.

For reasons I'm still not quite sure of, I let go of the goal of simplifying my life, and instead, I embarked on an adventurous two months of the life Audrina, Lauren, and Lo live out every week on "The Hills."

During these two months, I truly felt as though I were living the life of a reality star. There was drama. There were boys. There was love, not in those two months, but the love of my life did enter the picture at the tail end of those adventurous two months.

I acquired the nickname LA during the time from a dear friend of mine who is lucky enough to live in New York City and who was loving enough to listen and read as I depicted the craziness of my life during this time. If only a television crew had been there. I might have been the next Lauren Conrad. She did, after all, inspire my nickname.

I don't miss those two months explicitly. I miss some of the people, and sometimes, I miss the thrill of living a crazy life. But then I remember what I have, and I know I'm where I am meant to be. Still, looking around my apartment and seeing everything in boxes, trunks, suitcases, and duffle bags, I feel as though this is almost a reality tv show moment. Only, it's a happier moment than when Heidi moved out of her apartment with Lauren and in with Spencer.

And the song that will be playing as I say goodbye to my best friend and roommate of three years? "Sweet and Low" by Augustana. Bittersweet with a sense of hope, just like my life.

Goal: Stop Being A Packrat

To a certain extent, I've known that I have always been a packrat. It's hard for me to part with things like birthday cards or Easter cards, and somehow that translated into it being hard for me to part with credit card statements and offers for credit cards.

At this moment, I have roughly six bags of trash in my living room. I also have several bags of miscellaneous items sitting on the balcony, bags that have been on the balcony since August. I also have a bag of clothes and purses sitting in the kitchen. Then there are two bags of trash sitting outside the front door. The worst part of it is that I have yet to even begin going through the utility room and sifting through all the crap I have in there.

I move tomorrow. For days it has been, I move Tuesday, and now Tuesday is tomorrow. We'll see whether or not I am ready for the move tomorrow.

It was my plan and hope to have to make only one trip to the city with all my stuff, but now, now I have a feeling it will be two trips at least.

The only good thing about all this? She reminded me, in a twitter direct message, that at least I will no longer be living in squalor.

Where I Annoyingly List My Purchases As Well As What I Still Need To Purchase

I'm fairly, if not fully, positive that I should not be allowed to walk into another store ever again, including a grocery store. With the amount of stuff I have to move from my current two-bedroom apartment, which I share with my best friend, into my new one-bedroom apartment on Tuesday, I do not think I will have room for any food items. And, of course, I also have furniture to pick up on Tuesday and then move in as well.

It's not that I haven't tried to downsize on the amount of clothes I own as well as the number of books, CDs, shoes, purses, etc. because I have. Downsizing doesn't work, though. Or maybe it does, but I just own too much crap to see much of a difference. I'm lucky my boyfriend owns less than I do. When we get married and move into a bigger apartment than the one-bedroom I will be living in alone, I can continue to take over the living space.

And the picture? This picture that goes along with this post? That's only a little view of what I have packed so far. There's so much more to it.

And, of course, I have a bit of a problem called.. hello, my name is LA, and I am a shopaholic. I really should seek help for it.

In the past week, since I secured the apartment I move into on on Tuesday, I have purchased:
- A full-size brass bed (frame, headboard, footboard, mattress and box springs)
- A sage green couch
- A black storage ottoman (for a coffee table)
- A computer desk
- A black computer desk
- A bookshelf
- A floor lamp
- A shower curtain
- A microwave
- An over-the-toilet organization shelving unit
- A new bedding set and new Egyptian Cotton sheets
- Miscellaneous decorations for the wall (which I'm adding onto the already massive collection of home decor I had from this apartment)
- Two picture frames
- Six plates, six salad plates, six bowls
- A set of 12 glasses

I still need to purchase
- A dresser
- A night stand
- A table lamp
- An end table
- An entertainment center
- A computer chair
- A trash can
- A laundry hamper
- A bistro set
- Miscellaneous coffee mugs
- More throw pillows for the couch
- Organization unit for my closet

This moving thing.. It's exciting, yes. But fun? Right now, not so much. Remind me never to do it again (and if I have to, remind me to start packing earlier than I did this time.)

Going To Miss Watching Full House On Cable When I Move

Somehow, just days after graduation, I secured a full-time job. The next day, I secured an apartment. Now I'm dealing with securing furniture and figuring out exactly how I am going to move all of my luggage out of my current third story apartment and into my new first story apartment. I think I know enough boys to do that.

Words have been lost lately, at least words that are biting and honest. Everything I think of to write is whiney, along the lines of I'm scared and nervous and freaking out over everything and think I'm going to start crying RIGHT NOW.

And that stops today. I'm sick of worrying over what everyone else thinks, over what everyone else expects, over how much I have or have not planned. If the past week hasn't been proof enough that things will work out no matter what, then I don't know what is proof enough.