Sunday, May 25, 2008

My Heart Is Damaged Damaged Damaged (how you gonna fix it?)

I grew up with family spread all over the country. I went several Christmas' and Thanksgiving's without seeing any family members outside of my parents, brother, and dad's mom who lived an hour away. I kind of thought it was normal to live so far away from family. I expected to always live far away from family, to distance myself in that way.

The boyfriend grew up with all of his family in Oklahoma. I try to act like the opposite, but in a lot of ways, I am quite jealous of this. I always wanted family nearby. I just don't like to act like I want that. Instead, I try to act as independently as possible.

This independence thing? It's good in a lot of ways. I know I'll always make it. I know I'll never give up. I know I can survive anything that is thrown my direction. At the same time, though, it's bad in a lot of ways, a lot of ways I never realized until the boyfriend began pointing them out to me.

Like a lot of people, I don't like to be wrong, ever. In fact, growing up, I enjoyed always being right so much that I wore tee-shirts proclaiming my intelligence and I decorated my closet door with bumper stickers that said things like I'm not opinionated; I'm just always right. I was a joy to live with as a teenager, I promise.

At 23, I still don't like to be wrong. I also don't like to depend on people. What I am starting to figure out, ever so slowly and truly only by force, is that everyone is going to be wrong at some point. Since I spent so many years being "right", it's time for me to be wrong, whether I like it or not.

And honestly, I think my life will be a lot better once I start admitting faults and begin leaning on people. Life spent in solitude it's not so fun at all. In fact, it sucks. And, yes, I am hesitant to let people in, but when you meet nice people as well as people you know you will always have in your life, it's important to let them in and not just push them away.

This all hit me last night and today spending time with the boyfriend and with his family. They're not blood relatives, true, but they're great people I can't wait to claim as my family. That's the great thing about relationships, I think. They allow you to expand the circle of people you confide in, love, and trust.

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